lead it as a slave

I miss physical touch so much that I have been considering some things that usual me would never think of.I want some warm insistent lips pressed against mine and eagar hands exploring my body. For so long I thought it was Husband that would fufill these needs.I would steal it where I could, snuggled up firmly against him in bed, tryting to insist on more than the prefunctory hello and goodbye kisses, not letting go when he gave me a hug.It wasn't enough, but it held back mysexual aggression/
I read the blogs of sexually frustrated folks and identified with their pain.I even commented under another Blog ID of mine to SO GONE that a 90% right partner was pretty good and I would try to reconcile myself to that.WRONG!
Last night Husband wanted to take a drive and so we did. I needed a break from ACLS study.I began asking all those uncomfortable questions and ended my monologue with,
" I probably still love you but the pain you have caused me makes me have this cold anger deep inside along with depression and it is eating at my soul.I cannot even look at you without feeling my insides are being pulled out through my aorta. All I wanted was nothing less than I deserve, to be cherished, honored and faithful to.I hate that I feel there was something missing in me that made you look for other women."
His reply,
"There sure are alot of leaves on the ground"
More ranting on my part.

Anyways I am trying to take apostle Pauls advice and pummel my body and lead it as a slave ( yes I KNOW you can read Ds into that too ) but meaning that I overcome my desires and that I will be in control of my actions. I see so many women in this emotional,raw state who have sex with many and do things outside their character to soothe a void. I may have a bit of fun but I am really going to try to keep my wits about me.

I may have to take my photo down. This started as primarily a blog of a fledgling ED nurse but has been overtaken by my " situation".Emotions may be brutal and some behavior may need to be explained incognito.(groans)yes it was me.
Last weekend I went to a Jazz concert with a gal from work then went to Denny's to gab. We are both "single"---ok I am not quite but getting there...and she listened to my tale of Husband and mentioned "Gee he sounds like a really nice guy other than some indiscretions, maybe you ought to give him another chance"
I began to think...well, yes, he DOES have alot of good attributes and I may never find someone else, perhaps I SHOULD hold on to him!
I went home and asked Husband for a hug.It felt so good! maybe I was making a huge mistake! There was still time to avert relationship meltdown.


WAIT!
WHEW
Yes I had a nanosecond of insanity there.Why would I want to be with a man who was willing to date other women?Should'nt I settle for no less than to be cherished as he did his former wife? Clear out all the bull and what does anyone want? Love, fidelity and honesty. I got none.
I told Belle at work the other night that I was considering letting Husband stay and her head whipped around so fast and said to me "Do you want room 7 or 8?" Those are our psych observation rooms.Okay point taken!!
No doubt this is hard. My eyes leak at irregular intervals and my chest aches with sorrow. I went to a party this weekend
Vulgar details to follow.

Someone wrong is not better than plain noone

I am near the end of almost a week off from work. I feel sheepish to admit that I have enjoyed puttering around the house and just relaxing.
Husband has an apartment he is supposed to be in by November first. My eyebrows raised when I heard from his best friend that he still thinks this move is a bridge to a better realtionship between us.STILL!Yes, we are getting along better, but I attribute that to me not caring what is on his laptop, email, TV, DVD collection, why he is late, what numbers are on his answering machine. I am too worn out to investigate a damn thing.
I know he will leave many, many things behind and come back to pick one more thing he really needs.(sigh)
He told his friend that the reason we are separating is that he cannot "prostitute his principles " because he does not agree with how I raise my children ! NO mention of ignoring me sexually in favor of courting women he has not even met!
Husband has been very affectionate and playful with me. It makes me tearful, because I am mourning what our relationship never was. I don't want this reformed man that I fear will revert to past infractions once I am lulled into complacency. I dont think he is worried about losing a wife because he has not treated me as one in so long. He is losing "mommy" a home, security, meals,laundry done. No worries right?
I undress with my back turned to him. I wear sweats to bed because I cannot stand the thought of him "casually" brushing my breasts with his fingers as we sleep makes me ill.He actually called me on it the other night,"Are you afraid I will touch your boobies?" UH yeah, You never would before even though I went to bed stark naked or in wisps of transparent fabric begging for a passionate kiss and to be teased, held and revelled in.The desire stopped when I found condoms in his backpack.Fuck off ass and all your excuses.
Husband augments his incom with selling cameras on MY ebay account. I need to change the password AND get a new primary bank account since so ebay is connected to my account!This will suck because my bank account is deducted automatically, child support and pay check is auto deposited.ARGH. Better than being defrauded.
There is the matter of $3300 he owes for a car I purchased for him on my credit card. I suspect I will have to cut my losses and say good riddance to him and the money.
I have a new lock all ready to install when he leaves. WHy do I feel guilty? I know that what is happening is a direct result of HIS actions and misbehavior but I hate being the meanie.If I don't do this now I will be miserable in a year wishing I had.Remind me will all of you? I want to be treasured, held,respected,loved. I may never find it.Someone wrong is not better than plain noone.

an accomplished liar

The last few months have been the very definition of confusion and angst. I have learned of further evidence of my husbands deceit and twisted thought processes, I was prepared to attempt a full forgiveness and reconciliation until I realized that he played with not only my own feelings and trust but that of at least 6 other women. This is not a man to be trusted I alternate between crying and being hopeful for myself. I fear that noone will care for/about me.
Husband has found an apt an hour away, closer to his work. I suspect the apt is in the home of one of his "girlfriends", but I have had my "give a damn" put on hold. He will be out by November 1.
Somehow he has the idea that this is a step to healing for the both of us, but I will be changing the locks as soon as he is gone and pack up anything left .I am done.I removed my keys from his ring. He is fully aware I can royally mess his life up should I want to be malicious.
He keeps calling me "honey" or sweetie" and asking for kisses. I have no desire to be touched by him.I wear clothes to bed now and lock the door while showering. He has lost all privileges to this body.
An acomplished liar is the most dangerous advesary. There is nothing to base trust, forgiveness,or a relationship on.

Getting Personal

I have been trying. I swear. I DO want to be a good blogger.I DO I DO I DO!
But you see... I am having issues. My husband of just over a year has admitted after much suspicions on my part to "talking"of other women on the internet and phone.He had a meeting planned for a day my boys and I were going to be out of the area.He took a woman to a baseball game with tickets yours truly bought.
Husband says this is due to not feeling attractive. He needed other women to notice him.
HUH? He says that now that he realizes the issue he can cut it off before it develops into anything.
HUH?
I do not know what do do.
There have been many many lies that do not include this latest debaucle.He is over $20,000 in debt with the IRS that he failed to tell me about. He married his ex TWICE and I had to learn THAT tidbit from my mother in law.He has never come forward to admit anything I had not found out about first.There is more but I am too weary even to hash it out enough to type.
It kills me that this man who could only grunt at me could spend hours on the phone and online with other women.
I found their numbers and I called everyone and introduced myself.
Work is my refuge.
I cry alot. I do not even know what to do.
Deep inside I don't think I will ever trust him again. I HATE HATE HATE being lied to.This is my house.I have my own money. I have my career. I have my pride.

Oh what a night

Last night in Rural ED started out with all the rooms full, a full waiting room and only 3 inpatient beds available.Add to the mix back to back to back ambulance arrivals and we then lined the perimeter with hallway admits.Fortunatly Dr.D , the ED medical director and rescue flight coordinator was on. Dr. D is quick ,decisive and moves and groves the house.
The unheard of happened. We went on diversion at 2145.Diversion means that we do not accept any ambulances because our acuity dictates a possible unsafe environment. NO more monitered inpatient beds or ED units were available as the portable baby zolls were already monitering the hallway patients.
The local radio station must have announced fracture night . In a 90 minute period we booked in :Wrist fracture on a skateboarding kid , wrist fracture,L-1 fracture and hip fracture on a man who was on a ladder under the influence, wrist fracture on a kickboxing woman, ankle fracture on a man who chased after a car to remind his wife to drive safe, orbital fracture on a fellow vs baseball altercation.
At midnight we went off diversion. Whew.
I discharged my abdominal pain patient at 0108. WE NEVE HAD ANOTHER PATIENT FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT. I was floored.I flipped through gossip magazines left behind. I sat in the waiting room watching TV. I re-organized the IV trays.I played spit ball soccar. I cleaned out my mailbox.We gossiped mercilessly.
WAIT.
I feel guilty.
I am getting paid for this??
My co-nurse explained it to me :You are getting paid for the skill and ability to perform live saving feats at a moments notice.You do not get paid extra during periods of insanity. You do not get penalized for just taking up space either.
Makes sense.

The tour

Welcome to the tour of the Emergency Department at Rural Hospital for all of the frequenters of blogville. I am asked what type of emergency treatment is provided in "my" ED.Pediatric?Trauma 1?Urgent Care? All of it.I truly have no idea what my next chart will bring into my care.Being a small hospital there is no ability to specialize. I do have to admit that I prefer a chest pain client to a whining toddler anyday.
I start my shift by using the lone ambulance bay entrance .At 7 pm the other option is either a hike around the hospital or to stroll through the ambulatory waiting room .(no, thank you)To the immediate left as you enter is a very large room divided by a curtain designated at rooms 1 & 2. The traumas or concious sedations usually done here because of space and that the crash cart resides here too.

Rooms 3 & 4 are known as the private rooms because they have solid doors and are equipped for GYN exams and for sexual assault evidence collection and treatment. Sometimes very loud folks are put in these rooms and the window shades are opened to observe yet not hear them so intrusively.

Rooms 5 & 6 are directly opposite the ambulance entrance at the far end of the ED and are curtained rooms.

Continuing to move in a circle is the door to the waiting room, then nurses desk which is equipped with three computers. There are two nurses on each 12 hour shift plus an additional one from 2pm to 10pm.An ED tech is on from 10pm to 10 pm. Behind the desk is the entry to the registrars desk , the pyxis "compound" ,and the supply room.The triaged patient's charts are placed in a rack and the nurses self assign. This works out well and noone ever slacks. If anything we accuse a few of being patient hogs.

Still moving in the circle we arrive at the psych rooms 7& 8. They are devoid of the usual supplies and devices in the other rooms , camera observation enabled, with additional protective meaures to ensure the saftey of an agitated or suicidal client.

Viola! We are back at he ambulance bay.Alas! We need the code to get out.Now that I have you trapped here.... You feel like taking the baby in 5?